So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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