Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I cut my penus on the lid.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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