Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
