does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
