So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
