I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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