ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
