my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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