He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
