Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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