do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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