I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
