I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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