Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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