you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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