thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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