wakey wakey hands off snakey
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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