I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My vagina is officially offended.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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