I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He called his prostate his "boner button".
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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