I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
