Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Randomize
