A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
it's like heaven, but drunker
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
