Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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