I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
The best revenge is premature balding
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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