My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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