im drinking this country out of the recession.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
