If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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