I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
