what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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