dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
