I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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