She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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