Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
