When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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