K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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