Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
