why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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