his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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