Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
