I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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