I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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