That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
