hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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