omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
