i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
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