You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
