I hate your face
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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