So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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