ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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