omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I wear drunk well.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
