Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
