My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
