I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
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