Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
