Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
