We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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