I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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