I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
This girl is more easily done than said...
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
