No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
